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The Best Way To Make Co-parenting & Shared Joint Custody Schedules Work

By Divorce.com staff
Updated Jan 20, 2023

The Best Way To Make Co-parenting & Shared Joint Custody Schedules Work The Best Way To Make Co-parenting & Shared Joint Custody Schedules Work

So, you’re getting a divorce. You’ve likely contemplated an array of important decisions. It’s essential to be informed about the choices you make during this life transition, even if the divorce isn’t your first choice.

To accomplish this, you can consult a legal professional, a financial expert, a divorce coach and parent coordinator, and a therapist too.

In addition, you might review primary sources like case law, or secondary resources like what you’ll find here on Divorce.com, which cover many of the categories that you’ll most likely be thinking about as you face divorce.

If your goal is to save time, money and create the best life going forward for you and your kids, doing your homework is critically important.

One important aspect of your divorce is how your kids will spend time with you and your co-parent. This requires, in many jurisdictions, that a Parenting Plan be part of the Divorce Agreement.

If a co-parenting plan is required in your jurisdiction, you and your spouse can authorize a temporary custody and visitation agreement before your divorce is finalized.

The divorce process can take months, and sometimes longer. Having a temporary custody and visitation agreement in place helps you formalize the co-parenting plan in advance, and ensures there is no disruption in the time the kids spend with both parents.

Ensure your kids stay the number one priority during the divorce process with an agreement designed to help you through issues such as:

  • Outlining the days and times your children will be with you and your spouse
  • Create a joint decision-making system you can both live with
  • Set parameters for when it's appropriate for the children to meet a new partner of yours or your spouse's
  • Establish child support guidelines
  • Shield your kids from the nitty-gritty of your divorce communications
  • Add custom provisions for your unique situation

In other jurisdictions, there is no formal requirement, but it is one of the most important elements of your divorce as it involves your child(ren)’s well-being.

Your offspring had both of you before the divorce and you should think rationally about what’s best for them and what is possible for you post-divorce.

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Divorce Through a Child’s Eyes

If you have a current conflict, based on the divorce, it can be challenging to think clearly about how this looks to your children.

It’s a critical mistake, however, not to do so. It’s clear most kids, and most parents, benefit from some form of shared custody.

That’s worth repeating: Kids thrive when they spend time with and are cared for by both of their parents, even when both parents live apart after a divorce.

It’s not the divorce that hurts kids but the conflict between their parents.

So, in addition to sharing parenting time, it’s important to manage the entire process, from scheduling to drop-offs and pick-ups, so that your children do not feel the conflict that may exist between you and your ex.

Legal Custody vs. Physical Custody

When we talk about custody, it’s important to remember there are two types: physical custody and legal custody.

In general, physical custody refers to the location of the child on the various days of the week; legal custody refers to the responsibilities of making significant decisions that affect the child's welfare, including decisions regarding the health, education and religious upbringing of the child.

When thinking about a schedule for the kids, you should decide whether you will share physical custody 50/50 or whether there is another shared percentage, per parent, that works for both of you.

It is true that 50/50 physical custody is more common now than a decade ago, but it may not be the right schedule for you and your co-parent. The percentage of time you have the child may impact the child support you receive or pay.

Parenting Time (A.K.A. Visitation Schedule) Considerations:

1. The age(s) of your child(ren)

Infants and Toddlers: Generally, this age requires more frequent transitions to maintain a relationship with both parents as primary caregivers if that is your goal.

An important consideration is whether one parent is breastfeeding or is not working outside of the home to care for the child.

Young children: It’s a good idea to have a consistent routine for young children as they rely on stability and regularity.

They are often “fact-based” at this age and can often adapt to more frequent transitions as long as they understand where they will be and when. They need contact with both parents too and more frequent transitions can help maintain that connection.

Tweens and Teens: Often, at this age, a child has more to manage outside the home, including schoolwork, friendships, sports and extracurricular activities.

This means it is often preferable to have a schedule that allows the child to stay for a longer period of time in one household to minimize disruption to their schedule and allow them to “settle in” one home for a period of time.

In addition, and based on feedback from families I work with, as kids get older, they want more information. Don’t drag them into the negotiations but do inform them of changes that impact their lives.

If the schedule is modified for travel or any other reason, let the child(ren) know. It helps them feel more in control of something they do not ultimately decide and builds trust into a system that asks for their heightened cooperation and organizational skills.

For teens, the resilience they can develop is invaluable.

2. The level of cooperation you and your co-parent can manage

If your relationship with your co-parent is already good, you can likely make almost any schedule work.

If it isn’t, and you do not anticipate improvement, you may need to have a schedule with some specificity, for example, choosing a neutral place like the school or an extra-curricular activity, so that picking up and dropping off does not require you to see your co-parent in person.

Either way, flexibility is required in both situations to diffuse any tension that may exist between you and your ex. Flexibility also helps to keep the child(ren) out of the conflict too.

3. Your commitment to keep the schedule, and your willingness and ability to be flexible about it will benefit your child(ren).

As you work on this, here are some questions to ask yourselves:

  • Do you or your co-parent travel for work or other reasons on an unpredictable schedule?
  • Can you or they accommodate the schedule you want without making it an issue for the kids?
  • If travel is an issue for one or both of you, it may be necessary to think through a plan before implementing a particular schedule.

4. Right of First Refusal

Would you, or they, have the right of first refusal?

For example, if they or you can’t have the kids on one or more of the agreed-upon days, would your co-parent have the option to take them?

Or, would both of you be expected to have child care in place for these instances? Thinking through the options and making them part of your Parenting Plan is a very good idea.

What Works for Us

Once you’ve factored in all of these elements, it’s time to build a plan that works for you, your co-parent and your child(ren). The options are abundant and may be customized but, if you are sharing 50/50 custody, there are a few common practices that exist for rotating the schedule.

For examples of time sharing based on other common physical custody percentages schedules, for example, 60/40, 70/30 and 80/20, visit www.custodyexchange.com.

Co-parenting Plans Explained:

  • The alternating weeks schedule: Your child(ren) spend(s) 1 week with one parent and the next week with the other parent.
  • 2 weeks schedule: Your child(ren) spend(s) 2 weeks with one parent and then 2 weeks with the other parent.
  • The 3-4-4-3 schedule: Your child(ren) spend(s) 3 days with one parent, 4 days with the other parent, 4 days with the first parent and then 3 days with the other parent
  • The 2-2-5-5 schedule: Your child(ren) spend(s) 2 days with each parent and then 5 days with each parent.
  • The 2-2-3 schedule: Your child(ren) spend(s) 2 days with one parent, 2 days with the other parent and 3 days with the first parent. Then, the next week it switches.
  • The alternating every 2 days schedule: Your child(ren) switch between the parents every 2 days.

As noted previously, it is generally better for only the youngest children to have schedules that rotate every 2 days (or more). As children get older, it may work for them to stay with one parent for longer periods of time.

Tweens & Teens

One advantage of the 2-2-5-5 schedule is having your child(ren) consistent days of the week, that is, you will always have Mondays and Tuesdays or Wednesdays and Thursdays, for example, which allows you to schedule particular lessons or events for consistent days that they are with you.

The disadvantage is a relatively short time period between transition, so it may be more practical with younger children unless your tweens and teens don’t mind the shuttling around part very much.

Nesting Is Not Just for Birds

All of the schedules we’ve discussed relate to moving the kids from one household to another. A less common but possible option is called “Nesting.” This requires the co-parents to move in and out of the household instead of the child(ren).

It requires that you and your co-parent have a particularly high level of regard, respect and trust for each other, even if you live in separate bedrooms of the house.

Some co-parents even manage to share one apartment or other dwelling outside of the family home where they live when not in the family home. It isn’t generally a long-term solution and some experts recommend ending the “Nesting” exercise before either parent begins dating.

If you think Nesting can work for you and your co-parent, it can be very good for the kids to allow them to stay in one place, at least for a period of time for their adjustment to the new reality.

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Co-parenting Successfully

In addition to the normal schedule, you should also consider how holidays, vacations, and other days off from school will work. This can all be part of your Parenting Agreement.

Often, co-parents alternate holidays and days off from school annually or, and this is the important part, in the way that best works for them and their child(ren). The key, again, is a plan that is workable and keeps conflict low(er).

The key to a good Parenting Plan is good communication. This doesn’t mean you and your co-parent do not have issues between you.

It means you need to be able to discuss issues related to your kids, even when you disagree, and have a method to resolve the disagreement that doesn’t drag your kids into the middle of the conflict.

Often, email is a viable way to communicate, we just recommend you keep it brief and courteous.

If agreement cannot be achieved after, for example, three rounds of back and forth by email, you can specify, in your Parenting Plan that you see a Parenting Coordinator or Mediator specializing in parental conflict, to get help resolving your disagreements.

It’s rare that going to court gets you the kind of decision that is helpful to you and your children. It’s much better to figure these things out yourselves. If that’s not possible, work with a professional who is educated about you and your family, who can help you and your co-parent strategize about finding a solution that works in your particular family.

After all, although it now has a different form, a family of divorce is still that: a family.

You and your co-parent will be connected, in some form, through your child(ren) forever so figuring out how to navigate that will set a tone that may help you and your child(ren) for many years to come.

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Contents:

logo
Basic Do it Yourself Divorce
The most affordable way to get it done right.
Learn more
From $299 + state filing fees
logo
Standard We File For You
Human processing experts to help with your state’s incredibly confusing state filing process.
Learn more
From $599 + state filing fees
logo
Attorney Assistance
Affordable, flat rate legal advice from an independent attorney licensed in your state, to make sure you do everything right.
Learn more
From $899 + state filing fees
logo
Traditional Divorce
Complete end-to-end help from an independent attorney, licensed in your state, with negotiated rates.
Learn more
From $2750 + state filing fees

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divorce process, annulment

Divorce vs. Annulment: What’s the Difference?

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Getting Divorced, divorce without a lawyer

What To Do if You Can’t Afford a Divorce Lawyer

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Getting Divorced, divorce without a lawyer

Can You Get Divorced Without a Lawyer?

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divorce process, mediation

8 Things To Ask for in Divorce Mediation

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lawyer, expensive divorce

12 Things To Ask a Divorce Lawyer

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uncontested divorce

What To Expect at an Uncontested Divorce Hearing

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mediation, complicated divorce

When Is Divorce Mediation Not Recommended?

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mediation, divorce alternative

7 Things To Do To Prepare for Divorce Mediation

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online divorce

Step-by-Step Guide: How To File for Divorce Online

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divorce papers, divorce without a lawyer

How To Respond to Divorce Papers Without an Attorney

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fast divorce, uncontested divorce

How Long Does an Uncontested Divorce Take?

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divorce process, expensive divorce

How Much Does It Cost To Get a Divorce? Complete Breakdown

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divorce process

How Long Does a Divorce Take?

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divorce process, divorce papers

How To Start the Divorce Process: Step-by-Step

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mediation

What Is Mediation in Divorce and When Should I Use It?

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divorce statistics, divorce rate

48 Divorce Statistics in the U.S. Including Divorce Rate, Race, & Marriage Length

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divorce process, ted

10 TED Talks That Anyone Considering Divorce Should Watch

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Making the Decision, Infidelity

When to Walk Away After Infidelity: 7 Signs It Might Be Time To Leave

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selling property, selling before divorce

Selling Your House Before a Divorce: A Surprisingly Good Idea

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uncontested divorce

What Is an Uncontested Divorce? Everything You Need To Know

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divorce checklist

Divorce Checklist for 2023

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Dating After Divorce

10 Tips for Dating After Divorce

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divorce process, name change

A Guide to Name Change After a Divorce

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divorce process, remarry

Can I Get Married Right After Getting Divorced?

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divorce trauma

The Psychological Trauma of Divorce

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divorce litigation

When Is Divorce Litigation Necessary?

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marriage abandonment

What You Need To Know About Marital Abandonment

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miserable husband syndrome

Miserable Husband Syndrome Explained & Tips To Cope

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toxic relationship

12 Tips on Leaving a Toxic Relationship

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leave a marriage

5 Tips on How To Leave a Marriage Peacefully

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walkaway wife syndrome

5 Signs of Walkaway Wife Syndrome

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divorce process, divorce in california

6 Steps in the California Divorce Process

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divorce process, divorce in Texas

The 6 Steps of the Divorce Process in Texas

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signs od divorce

22 Experts Give Warning Signs Of Divorce You Need To Pay Attention To

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divorce costs, divorce methods

How Much Does a Divorce Cost in California?

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cheating, emotional affair

Emotional Affairs and Texting

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divorce in california, divorce terms

How Long Does it Take to Get a Divorce in California?

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Divorce Recovery, Life After Divorce

10 Tips on How to Reinvent Yourself After Divorce

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sexless marriage

When to Walk Away From a Sexless Marriage

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divorce reasons, top divorce factors

Causes Of Divorce: 13 Of The Most Common Reasons

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divorce process, divorce in california

All of the California Divorce Papers That You Need to Get a Divorce

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divorce costs, divorce in new york

How Much Does a Divorce Cost in New York?

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low-cost divorce, uncontested divorce

The Cheapest Way to Get Divorced

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collaborative divorce, uncontested divorce, types of divorce

The Different Types of Divorce

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Separation, divorce process, divorce in new york

Legal Separation vs Divorce in New York

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divorce statistics, divorce guide, social media

The Complete Guide to Divorce & Social Media

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Life After Divorce, moving out

Moving Out of State Before, During, or After Divorce

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Children and Divorce, child custody

5 Reasons a Judge Will Change Custody

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Children and Divorce, child custody

What Does Sole Custody Mean?

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Child Support, Children and Divorce, child custody

How Does Child Support Work if the Father Has No Job?

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Child Support, alimony

If the Wife Files for Divorce, Can She Get Alimony?

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child custody, parent rights

Parent Rights: Custodial Parent vs. Non-Custodial Parent

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divorce statistics, divorce rate

10 Professions With The Highest Divorce Rate

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expensive divorce, divorce cost

Why is Divorce So Expensive? 5 Reasons from Laura Wasser

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mediation, divorce budget

Divorce Mediation Cost: Budget Accordingly

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divorce process, divorce rights

My Husband Wants a Divorce, What Are My Rights?

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mediation, divorce decree

Marital Settlement Agreement vs. Divorce Decree: What is The Difference?

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Children and Divorce, divorce in Texas

The Texas Divorce Forms For Spouses Without Children

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Separation, divorce process, family pets

During a Divorce or Separation, What Happens to The Family Pet?

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divorce in Texas, divorce terms

How Long Does It Take To Get A Divorce In Texas?

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mediation, arbitration

Which Is Better? Mediation vs. Arbitration

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divorce in california, no fault divorce

California No Fault Divorce

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divorce in Texas, adultery, laws

Texas Divorce Laws About Adultery

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divorce terms, divorce in new york

How Long Does It Take to Get a Divorce in New York?

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child custody, custodial parent

Custodial Parent: Meaning and Responsibilities

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Separation, divorce process, Divorce

Separation vs Divorce: How To Understand the Process

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child custody, parental kidnapping

What To Do? Parental Kidnapping and No Custody Order