Written By:
Divorce.com Staff
One of your biggest concerns about getting a divorce is how it will affect your children. You’ve likely read scary things about the impact of divorce on children, but many experts believe that having two happy parents in separate homes is much better for your kids than two parents living in conflict in one home.
There’s actually a lot you can do to help your kids with the transition in your family, and it starts with how you communicate with them about the divorce.
Be Honest
The most important thing to keep in mind is that honesty is key. Do not lie to your children. It’s difficult to rebuild trust if you do. Don’t tell them their lives won’t change or that what’s happening does not affect them. You do not have to be doom and gloom, but you shouldn’t promise them things that aren’t true or possible.
If you don’t know the answers to questions they ask you, be honest about that, but let them know you are working on getting answers.
Be Calm
You don’t have to feel calm, but presenting a calm demeanor to your kids will help them feel calmer. Divorce is emotional, and it’s normal to be sad, angry, and hurt. You can’t change the way you feel. It’s ok for your kids to see that you have emotions about this, but you should be able to be in a place where you can speak calmly and gently to them without raising your voice, crying hysterically, or being out of control.
Talk to Them Together
If at all possible, you and your spouse should talk to your kids together, and you should rehearse what you’re going to say in advance. Presenting a united front is very important because it shows them you will continue to be a parental unit.
If you are separating and haven’t decided whether to get a divorce, tell them that. However, if you have decided to get a divorce, using the word "divorce" and explaining what it means is very helpful.
Be calm and straightforward. Say something like, “Mom and I are going to get a divorce. This means we are going to live in separate houses and we won’t be married anymore. But we will all always be a family. We will always be your parents, and we will both always love you.”
Give them specifics about what is happening. Just saying you are getting a divorce is too vague a concept for most kids. Explain if anyone is moving and when they will be with each parent.
Give Them Age-Appropriate Information
What a three-year-old needs to know about your divorce and what a thirteen-year-old needs to know is vastly different.
Preschoolers need only to know that one parent is going to live in one house and the other in another and that they have days they spend at each house. Teens, however, need to understand you’re getting divorced, when it’s happening, and exactly how it impacts them.
Teens likely already have their own insight into what has been happening in the marriage, and denying things won’t help if they ask you about them. So again, be honest, but keep in mind they are not adults, and they do not need to know everything that has happened.
Do Not Denigrate the Other Parent
It can be hard to do, but it’s best for your children if you do not say bad things about the other parent to them.
It is going to be hard to keep your opinions and your reactions to yourself when you talk to your kids and in the months that follow. But when you think about the pain that you feel, remind yourself that you don’t want your child to feel the same pain.
Your child needs both of you and loves both of you. Support your child by supporting their relationship with the other parent.
Understand Children Are Self-Centered
What your kids care about the most is how the divorce is going to affect them on a daily basis. When you tell them about the divorce, be prepared to present them with a plan for what’s going to happen when.
Reassure them that both parents still love them, that they are important, and that the divorce is not their fault.
Make a Plan for Support
Read to them or give them access to age-appropriate books and videos about divorce.
Let their teacher or guidance counselor know about the divorce so that there is support at school.
If possible, find a therapist for your child. Regular therapy gives them a place to process their emotions and learn tools to cope with them.
Above all, remember that by doing what is right for you with your marriage, you are creating a home environment that is safe, healthy, supportive, and nurturing for your children, and this will benefit them immensely.
