Written By:
Divorce.com Staff
Narcissism is a personality disorder that makes a person unable to empathize with others, resulting in them perpetually seeking attention and admiration because they need to feed themselves with these things.
However, narcissists generally have low self-worth and act out when they do not receive love or attention.
If you are in a relationship with or divorcing a narcissist, it can be incredibly difficult to engage with them in a healthy and equitable manner. Taking power away from a narcissist is challenging, but it is possible to protect yourself, and your children.
Follow these tips for dealing with a narcissist.
Key Takeaways
The first step in taking control away from a narcissist is to identify that they are a narcissist. Remember that a true diagnosis requires a mental health professional, but you may note narcissistic tendencies in your partner or previous partner.
Narcissists are dangerous because they are emotionally manipulative, as well as more prone to aggression.
Firm boundaries are essential.
Prioritize your self-care, focusing on developing confidence that you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
Understand you will never change them.
Communicate clearly when you must deal with them, preferably in writing.
Do not try to please them.
Do not share with them, as it will be used to manipulate you.
Refuse to engage in arguments.
Control your emotions so that they can see.
Use visualization or deep breathing, as well as time and space, to manage yourself around them.
Therapists and attorneys can help you manage a narcissist.
The first step in taking control away from a narcissist is to identify that they are a narcissist. Remember that a true diagnosis requires a mental health professional, but you may note narcissistic tendencies in your partner or previous partner.
Narcissists are dangerous because they are emotionally manipulative, as well as more prone to aggression.
Firm boundaries are essential.
Prioritize your self-care, focusing on developing confidence that you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
Understand you will never change them.
Communicate clearly when you must deal with them, preferably in writing.
Do not try to please them.
Do not share with them, as it will be used to manipulate you.
Refuse to engage in arguments.
Control your emotions so that they can see.
Use visualization or deep breathing, as well as time and space, to manage yourself around them.
Therapists and attorneys can help you manage a narcissist.
Identifying a Narcissist
You may suspect that someone you are in a relationship with is a narcissist. If you aren't sure, here are key traits that indicate narcissism:
They have a grandiose impression of their own self-importance.
They frequently fantasize about how they deserve power, love, success, fulfillment, and more.
They believe firmly in their own superiority over others.
They desperately seek admiration.
They have a massive sense of entitlement.
They happily exploit and use other people.
They have a lack of empathy.
They often feel envious of others.
They are arrogant.
They have a fear of being vulnerable.
They are perfectionists.
They cannot handle failure.
They react with rage to criticism.
They avoid situations that may lead to failure or vulnerability.
They have a grandiose impression of their own self-importance.
They frequently fantasize about how they deserve power, love, success, fulfillment, and more.
They believe firmly in their own superiority over others.
They desperately seek admiration.
They have a massive sense of entitlement.
They happily exploit and use other people.
They have a lack of empathy.
They often feel envious of others.
They are arrogant.
They have a fear of being vulnerable.
They are perfectionists.
They cannot handle failure.
They react with rage to criticism.
They avoid situations that may lead to failure or vulnerability.
Narcissists generally don't display all of these traits, but if the person in your life has many of these characteristics, they are likely a narcissist.
Reasons Narcissists Are Dangerous
Narcissists are dangerous in relationships because they are emotionally harmful and sometimes physically aggressive. They are talented manipulators and use others to get what they want.
Narcissists often come off as charming or engaging at first, but their sense of entitlement lies just beneath the surface, and they then use their social skills to get what they want.
One study found that narcissism correlates to a 21% increase in aggressive behavior and an 18% increase in violence, which means you could potentially be in physical danger from the narcissist, suggesting it is important for you to have your eyes wide open when dealing with them.
Narcissists thrive on drama and want all attention on them, so they are happy to create situations that may be detrimental to others if it puts the spotlight on them. They do not experience shame or empathy, so harming others is a non-issue to them.
Narcissists also doubt others' expertise and always believe that they know best. They will make decisions that promote their interests and subsequently harm others, simply to get what they believe is the best outcome for them.
Relationships with narcissists tend to be short and destructive to the other partner. While the narcissist moves on without looking back, the victim of the narcissist often requires years of recovery.
Additionally, one study of inmates found that over 21% were narcissists, suggesting a high criminal-to-narcissist ratio.
Tips to Take Control Away From a Narcissist
If you absolutely must continue to engage with a narcissist, there are some strategies you can use to make the situation more manageable. To take power away from a narcissist, consider the following recommendations.
Set Clear Boundaries
The narcissist always puts themselves first. To protect yourself, it is crucial to clearly establish boundaries and clarify what you will and will not allow in your interactions with them. If you do not set boundaries, they will take advantage of you.
Once you enunciate boundaries, you can refer to them when their behavior gets out of control.
Boundaries can include:
Refusing to allow them to attack you verbally
Physical space
Restrictions on when and how you will communicate
Time limits on conversations
Ending conversations when boundaries are crossed
Refusing to allow them to attack you verbally
Physical space
Restrictions on when and how you will communicate
Time limits on conversations
Ending conversations when boundaries are crossed
Some people find it helpful to think of these boundaries as “policies” for the narcissist in their lives, taking some of the emotional edge off the idea of setting boundaries. Like any good policy, it is important to have these boundaries clear prior to interacting with the narcissist.
Have Confidence in What You Deserve
A narcissist only thinks about what they want. They love to make you doubt yourself. It's up to you to develop self-worth and decide what you deserve.
You have to nurture self-confidence recognizing what you are entitled to as a human, and to be able to distinguish when you are right. A narcissist will always place you on the defensive and expect you to give in and apologize for things that are not your fault.
You must have healthy self-esteem and remind yourself of how you are entitled to be treated by others. This is another time that reflecting back on policy can be helpful - you wouldn’t let anyone else treat you this way, why would you let the narcissist?
How to Get Help
If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, a therapist or coach can help you learn how to engage with them effectively. If you are divorcing a narcissist, you may need the help of a mediator or attorney to help you get them to agree to work through the process civilly.
Final Thoughts
It can be challenging to disarm and take control away from a narcissist, but you have every right to protect yourself from emotional abuse. In addition to our tips, don't hesitate to get mental health help to support you through your journey with the narcissist.
Gaslighting: Learn the Warning Signs
The Power of Self-Worth: Recognizing Your Value
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Statistics | 2022
Narcissism and romantic relationships: Understanding the paradox.
I don’t feel ya: How narcissism shapes empathy: Self and Identity: Vol 20, No 2
