Written By:
Divorce.com Staff
Men and women tend to perceive and survive divorce a bit differently because of some natural psychological and cultural differences between the sexes.
However, we should not assume that men find divorce less painful. On the contrary, research shows that a breakup hits men harder regardless of whether it is an amicable or highly contested divorce.
How Divorce Affects and Changes a Man
Divorce is a stressful life event that negatively affects both spouse’s physical and mental health. Whether you are a man or a woman, divorce is a difficult process and requires coping skills.
The stress of the process, the financial challenges, and the emotions related to ending a marriage have long-lasting effects on anyone ending a marriage. Men tend to have more significant short-term consequences on their well-being from a divorce than women.
Men are also at a much greater risk of developing long-term health problems during and after the divorce process.
According to a study, divorce (both directly and indirectly) affects men’s physical, psychological, social, and even spiritual health.
“The Influence of Divorce on Men’s Health,” published in the Journal of Men’s Health, states that the death rate of unmarried and divorced men is 250% higher than that of married men.
Moreover, divorced men suffer more from cardiovascular disease, hypertension, cancer, stroke, weight gain, and other conditions than other men.
Men coping with divorce are also more likely to lead an unhealthy lifestyle. They often fall into alcohol abuse, tobacco use, and use other high-risk substances and behaviors to numb the emotional pain of divorce.
Negative consequences of divorce may be more likely if the husband doesn’t initiate the divorce. And recent studies show that women initiate divorce more often than men.
However, this is only a tiny part of the picture. In addition to the physical effects, divorce often has serious psychological consequences for men.
Depression
Depression is a severe mental illness triggered by prolonged underlying stress, and divorce certainly causes prolonged stress.
The National Institute of Mental Health describes some of the symptoms of depression as follows:
Anger, irritability, or aggressiveness
Feeling anxious or restless
Loss of interest in work, family, hobbies, etc.
Feeling sad, hopeless, or “empty”
Not being able to remember details or concentrate
Anger, irritability, or aggressiveness
Feeling anxious or restless
Loss of interest in work, family, hobbies, etc.
Feeling sad, hopeless, or “empty”
Not being able to remember details or concentrate
Studies show that men are more likely to suffer from mental illness, (like depression) after divorce than women.
A Canadian study revealed men who are separated or divorced are more likely to be depressed than women for four years following the divorce or separation.
6 Emotional Stages of Divorce For a Man
Men going through a divorce can experience a whole range of different emotions. Some of them are encouraged by society, while others are considered unacceptable, even shameful, for a man.
The truth is that it is healthy to experience emotions in any way and there is no “normal” way to feel after a divorce. Each man experiences it individually.
Life After Divorce for Men: Practical Tips to Deal with Negative Emotions
The answer to the question of “how to deal with divorce as a man” lies in accepting your emotions and letting yourself feel what you feel. Additionally, getting curious can help the healing process.
Dr. David M Reiss, a practicing psychiatrist and trauma expert, notes that men’s pain after divorce is natural because they lost someone they once loved.
“Assuming that a marriage was initially based on love, caring, and the desire to spend time in each other’s company, the ending of the marriage is inherently sad and painful, regardless of the circumstances.”
While it’s challenging to start a new life facing such significant changes, everyone has the opportunity to get rid of the post-divorce bouquet of negative emotions.
Working with a professional mental health provider and establishing a good support system can be very effective and help resolve the pain.
Related Reading
Here is some advice on how to get over divorce as a man and fight negative feelings to take the first steps towards recovery and happiness.
Consider Sports
According to Jennifer Carter, Ph.D., a counseling and sports psychologist at the Center for Balanced Living in Ohio, moving your muscles has mental health benefits.
She advises her clients to walk while they talk.
“I often recommend exercise for my psychotherapy clients, particularly for those who are anxious or depressed,” she says.
Exercise can improve your mood, distract you, and increase your self-confidence. Sports activate chemicals in your brain, such as endorphins, making you feel happier and more zen.
Try Gratefulness Practices
Men’s emotions after divorce may vary.
Unfortunately, sadness, exhaustion, anger, bitterness, and regret can pull them deeper and deeper into negativity, making them lose motivation to move on.
Sometimes, even small reminders of the good things in your life can help.
Buy a journal and write down all the things you are grateful for in your life. These can be as simple as a Saturday night out with close friends or spending time on the couch with your dog watching a baseball game or your favorite TV show.
If you have kids, start a tradition of identifying your “highs” for the day, or the positive things. It’s okay to identify the “lows” too but get curious about how the “lows” might be reframed into something positive.
And when you feel overwhelmed again, open your notebook and remind yourself how much good there is in your life.
Practice Mindfulness Breathing
Focusing on breathing can relieve anxiety and stress. Slowing down your breathing helps lower your heart rate and blood pressure, creating calmness and a stable emotional state.
It works pretty simply:
Sit down and put your hands on your knees
Focus on your body and think about how you feel in this position
Take three deep breaths. Breath in through your nose and out through your mouth
Keep sitting for 5 more minutes, breathing normally, and focusing on how the air passes through your body
Random thoughts will come to you. Notice them and let them move on past without focusing on them, continuing to think about your breathing
Open your eyes
Sit down and put your hands on your knees
Focus on your body and think about how you feel in this position
Take three deep breaths. Breath in through your nose and out through your mouth
Keep sitting for 5 more minutes, breathing normally, and focusing on how the air passes through your body
Random thoughts will come to you. Notice them and let them move on past without focusing on them, continuing to think about your breathing
Open your eyes
This kind of mindful breathing is an important mindfulness technique. Mindfulness itself teaches us to let emotions run their course without judgement. In a divorce, it functions as successful grieving, which most men skip.
When you allow yourself to feel emotions, not pushing them away, it can become easier to bear over time.
Bottom Line
Getting through a divorce is no less complicated for men and women. However, many men are trained not to think about or deal with emotions, which then means they are less likely to ask for support or seek professional help, choosing the “pull yourself together!” strategy.
However, this approach can lead to even more severe negative consequences for men’s physical and mental health.
Taking the time to feel and acknowledge your emotions and proactively work on your well-being can help you successfully navigate divorce.
Gender Differences in the Consequences of Divorce: A Study of Multiple Outcomes
The Influence of Divorce on Men's Health | Journal of Men's Health
Depression - National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH)
The Mental Health Struggles of Single and Divorced Men | Psychology Today
The Daily, Tuesday, May 22, 2007. Study: Marital breakdown and subsequent depression
Men much less likely to seek mental health help than women | Mental health | The Guardian
Divorce and suicide risk | Journal of Epidemiology & Community Health
The Mental Health Struggles of Single and Divorced Men | Psychology Today
Anxiety Symptoms | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA
Stages of Divorce Recovery for Men : Men and Anxiety
How does divorce affect a man's health? | EurekAlert!
How Do You Heal From a Devastating Divorce? | Psychology Today
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