4 Min Read

How to Tell Your Wife You Want a Divorce: Do’s & Don’ts

By Divorce.com staff
Updated Jan 20, 2023

Don’t Wait Too Long

When you realize you want a divorce, you have a lot of important choices to make. If efforts to salvage your marriage didn’t work or if tools like therapy weren’t an option, your wife may already suspect that you want a divorce. Sometimes, she may want a divorce as well.

The conversation you have about getting a divorce can set the tone for the way your divorce will unfold. Be considerate, plan your conversation, and try to keep your wife’s needs in mind. This way, you can start your divorce off as amicably as possible.

Don’t Wait Too Long

Don’t Wait Too Long

Getting divorced can be a painful and expensive process that most people prefer to avoid. Other courses of action like couples therapy, mediation, or simply committing to open communication can help you revitalize your bond and circumvent the need for a split altogether.

Still, divorce is often the best option for you and your spouse if your relationship is truly over — infidelity, living a double life, or merely physically separating won’t help you avoid the pain of your legal split. It’ll simply make the situation that much more complicated when you finally take the plunge.

The longer you avoid the issue or the more you complicate your marriage, the worse the situation will get. People may feel hurt or vengeful. Tensions can rise. You may even have a difficult time maintaining an amicable relationship with your spouse, which is extremely important if you have children.

Don’t delay the conversation — tell your wife you want a divorce as soon as you’re sure that staying together truly isn’t an option.

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Don’t Blame Your Wife

The conversation you have with your wife about wanting a divorce shouldn’t be a long list of her faults or all the things she did to make you unhappy. While it’s true that people have certain reasonable expectations of their partner, no one is solely responsible for another person’s happiness. You probably both failed to communicate important things in a timely manner.

Don’t show up to the conversation ready to play the blame game. Consider all the things you may have done that negatively impacted her. The breakdown of a relationship is almost never completely one-sided: Keep that in mind when you’re planning your conversation.

Don’t Speak Out of Anger

You shouldn’t decide that you want a divorce just because you’re currently angry about something. If you’re angry, that means you’re not done sorting out your feelings.

Anger means you aren’t in a position to speak constructively about how you’re feeling and what you want. You may not even have a clear idea of what you want to do until your anger subsides, and divorce should never be your first course of action during difficult times.

Don’t mention that you want a divorce during an argument. Doing so will escalate the argument, and it may even cause you to backpedal. It could feel like you said something in the heat of the moment. Your wife may not take it seriously, and you may feel bad about how you said it.

This could lead to you feeling the need to apologize and procrastinate getting a divorce, even if you know it’s the best thing for you.

Even if you don’t feel the need to backpedal or apologize, you’ve set the tone for your divorce as a shouting match or a battle. No one wants to experience a divorce this way — an amicable split is always the best-case scenario if divorce is really inevitable.

Wait until cooler heads prevail before you have a conversation about your split. You may even find that divorce isn’t what you really want, helping you avoid plenty of unnecessary stress.

Don’t Involve Your Children in the Private Side of the Process

Your children don’t need to know any of the private decisions you and your wife make about your marriage. They don’t need to know any of the private details about how your relationship failed. It’s none of their business, and exposing them to too much information or allowing them to witness arguments can traumatize them.

While “trauma” may seem like a heavy word to use, divorce can have a profound effect on children, especially when it's acrimonious.

While you should tell your children you’re getting a divorce, you should use general terms to explain why. Try something like, “We want to be happy, and we need to do different things to be happy, so we can continue to do our best for ourselves and for you.”

You should only talk to your children about divorce once you and your wife are both sure that’s what you want to do. You should sit down with your children together, rather than separately, to tell them what’s going on and be prepared to answer their questions calmly as a united front.

Don’t Choose an Inappropriate Time or Place

When you’re considering how to tell your wife you want a divorce, you need to decide how private that conversation should be. You shouldn’t have it in front of anyone, like in a crowded public place like a restaurant. It’s bound to be an emotionally charged situation even if you’re both in agreement, and you’ll want to be in the appropriate venue to process your feelings.

You should also be considerate about the time. If your wife just received terrible news or had an awful day at work, don’t pile the divorce conversation onto the stack. Wait for a perfectly average day where nothing is out of the ordinary.

Plan What You’re Going To Say

Asking your wife for a divorce isn’t a situation where you should wing it. You’ll want to carefully craft a statement. It may be worthwhile to write out what you want to say before you say it. Read over what you wrote and consider how it’s going to come across, and put some time and effort into your wording.

Read your prepared statement back to yourself, and consider how you would feel if you were the person on the receiving end of those words. It’s only normal for your spouse to feel upset, but there’s a difference between the subject matter being upsetting and feeling like words were specifically designed to hurt you.

There is no upbeat or optimistic way to ask your wife for a divorce, but there is a respectful and tactful way. Always be mindful of tact and respect when you’re considering how to approach the subject.

Consider Your Wife’s Happiness

There is almost never a situation where one person in a marriage is completely happy, and the other person is at their wit’s end. If you’re unhappy, your wife is probably unhappy as well. A divorce can be an opportunity for both people to reclaim their independence and pursue their own happiness. That’s something important to keep in mind during a discussion.

Empathy and compassion are extremely important. If you use a compassionate and empathetic approach to your divorce, there may be a chance that you and your wife can have a peaceful divorce and go on to enjoy a friendship.

Yes, you’re unhappy. Yes, she’s probably unhappy. Both of your happiness matters. Discuss why you feel a divorce is the right choice for you, and explain that you’re also being mindful of her feelings.

If you’re unable to be the kind of partner she needs or if you can’t share the lifestyle she desires, remind her that she’s allowed to find someone who will make her happy. Express your desire for a positive outcome for both of you.

Allow Her To Feel Her Feelings

Your wife may get upset. She may get angry. Don’t interfere with her ability to feel her feelings.

Your wife deserves to process her emotions. Rather than attempting to comfort her or counter her points, give her space. Politely excuse yourself from the situation and let her know that she can come to you when she’s ready to talk about it. She may need a few hours (or even a few days) to digest the situation.

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Set the Stage for an Amicable Split

Mindfully telling your wife that you’d like a divorce can be extremely helpful in the days and months to follow. By laying the groundwork for an amicable separation, you may be able to avoid the stress and expense of a contested divorce.

By making careful decisions such as promptly telling your wife about your desire to divorce, not assigning blame, speaking without anger, and planning your statement in advance can help make a difficult conversation a little bit easier. While your wife may still feel angry or sad, coming into the discussion with her needs in mind will only benefit you in the future.

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Contents:

logo
Basic Do it Yourself Divorce
The most affordable way to get it done right.
Learn more
From $299 + state filing fees
logo
Standard We File For You
Human processing experts to help with your state’s incredibly confusing state filing process.
Learn more
From $599 + state filing fees
logo
Attorney Assistance
Affordable, flat rate legal advice from an independent attorney licensed in your state, to make sure you do everything right.
Learn more
From $899 + state filing fees
logo
Traditional Divorce
Complete end-to-end help from an independent attorney, licensed in your state, with negotiated rates.
Learn more
From $2750 + state filing fees

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lawyer, expensive divorce

12 Things To Ask a Divorce Lawyer

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uncontested divorce

What To Expect at an Uncontested Divorce Hearing

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mediation, complicated divorce

When Is Divorce Mediation Not Recommended?

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mediation, divorce alternative

7 Things To Do To Prepare for Divorce Mediation

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online divorce

Step-by-Step Guide: How To File for Divorce Online

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divorce papers, divorce without a lawyer

How To Respond to Divorce Papers Without an Attorney

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fast divorce, uncontested divorce

How Long Does an Uncontested Divorce Take?

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divorce process, expensive divorce

How Much Does It Cost To Get a Divorce? Complete Breakdown

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divorce process

How Long Does a Divorce Take?

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divorce process, divorce papers

How To Start the Divorce Process: Step-by-Step

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mediation

What Is Mediation in Divorce and When Should I Use It?

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divorce statistics, divorce rate

48 Divorce Statistics in the U.S. Including Divorce Rate, Race, & Marriage Length

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divorce process, ted

10 TED Talks That Anyone Considering Divorce Should Watch

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Making the Decision, Infidelity

When to Walk Away After Infidelity: 7 Signs It Might Be Time To Leave

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selling property, selling before divorce

Selling Your House Before a Divorce: A Surprisingly Good Idea

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uncontested divorce

What Is an Uncontested Divorce? Everything You Need To Know

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divorce checklist

Divorce Checklist for 2023

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Dating After Divorce

10 Tips for Dating After Divorce

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divorce process, name change

A Guide to Name Change After a Divorce

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divorce process, remarry

Can I Get Married Right After Getting Divorced?

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divorce trauma

The Psychological Trauma of Divorce

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divorce litigation

When Is Divorce Litigation Necessary?

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marriage abandonment

What You Need To Know About Marital Abandonment

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miserable husband syndrome

Miserable Husband Syndrome Explained & Tips To Cope

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toxic relationship

12 Tips on Leaving a Toxic Relationship

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leave a marriage

5 Tips on How To Leave a Marriage Peacefully

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walkaway wife syndrome

5 Signs of Walkaway Wife Syndrome

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divorce process, divorce in california

6 Steps in the California Divorce Process

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divorce process, divorce in Texas

The 6 Steps of the Divorce Process in Texas

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signs od divorce

22 Experts Give Warning Signs Of Divorce You Need To Pay Attention To

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divorce costs, divorce methods

How Much Does a Divorce Cost in California?

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cheating, emotional affair

Emotional Affairs and Texting

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divorce in california, divorce terms

How Long Does it Take to Get a Divorce in California?

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Divorce Recovery, Life After Divorce

10 Tips on How to Reinvent Yourself After Divorce

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sexless marriage

When to Walk Away From a Sexless Marriage

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divorce reasons, top divorce factors

Causes Of Divorce: 13 Of The Most Common Reasons

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divorce process, divorce in california

All of the California Divorce Papers That You Need to Get a Divorce

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divorce costs, divorce in new york

How Much Does a Divorce Cost in New York?

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low-cost divorce, uncontested divorce

The Cheapest Way to Get Divorced

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collaborative divorce, uncontested divorce, types of divorce

The Different Types of Divorce

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Separation, divorce process, divorce in new york

Legal Separation vs Divorce in New York

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divorce statistics, divorce guide, social media

The Complete Guide to Divorce & Social Media

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Life After Divorce, moving out

Moving Out of State Before, During, or After Divorce

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Children and Divorce, child custody

5 Reasons a Judge Will Change Custody

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Children and Divorce, child custody

What Does Sole Custody Mean?

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Child Support, Children and Divorce, child custody

How Does Child Support Work if the Father Has No Job?

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Child Support, alimony

If the Wife Files for Divorce, Can She Get Alimony?

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child custody, parent rights

Parent Rights: Custodial Parent vs. Non-Custodial Parent

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divorce statistics, divorce rate

10 Professions With The Highest Divorce Rate

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expensive divorce, divorce cost

Why is Divorce So Expensive? 5 Reasons from Laura Wasser

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mediation, divorce budget

Divorce Mediation Cost: Budget Accordingly

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divorce process, divorce rights

My Husband Wants a Divorce, What Are My Rights?

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mediation, divorce decree

Marital Settlement Agreement vs. Divorce Decree: What is The Difference?

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Children and Divorce, divorce in Texas

The Texas Divorce Forms For Spouses Without Children

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Separation, divorce process, family pets

During a Divorce or Separation, What Happens to The Family Pet?

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divorce in Texas, divorce terms

How Long Does It Take To Get A Divorce In Texas?

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mediation, arbitration

Which Is Better? Mediation vs. Arbitration

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divorce in california, no fault divorce

California No Fault Divorce

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divorce in Texas, adultery, laws

Texas Divorce Laws About Adultery

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divorce terms, divorce in new york

How Long Does It Take to Get a Divorce in New York?

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child custody, custodial parent

Custodial Parent: Meaning and Responsibilities

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Separation, divorce process, Divorce

Separation vs Divorce: How To Understand the Process

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child custody, parental kidnapping

What To Do? Parental Kidnapping and No Custody Order