Written By:
Liz Pharo
CEO and Founder, Divorce.com
Reviewed By:
Elizabeth Stewart
Co-CEO, Divorce.com
How to Leave an Abusive Relationship Safely
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, an average of 24 people per minute in the U.S. are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner—more than 12 million women and men in a single year.
Abuse isn’t always physical. It can be emotional, psychological, sexual, or financial, and it can leave deep, lasting impacts.
If you’re experiencing abuse, you may feel trapped, uncertain about your next step, or even guilty for wanting to leave. Those feelings are common. What is not normal is someone violating your boundaries, threatening your safety, isolating you, controlling your money, or making you feel worthless.
You deserve safety and support, and it is possible to take back control—one step at a time.
Quick Answer: What Should I Do If I Need to Leave an Abusive Partner?
If you are in immediate danger, call emergency services. If you’re planning to leave, the safest approach is to create a personalized safety plan, gather essential documents discreetly, and connect with a trained advocate through the National Domestic Violence Hotline (24/7) at 1-800-799-7233.
Preparing to Leave an Abusive Relationship
Leaving can be the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, so preparation matters. Safety planning should be tailored to your situation, ideally with an advocate.
1) Document the Abuse (Only If Safe)
If it is safe and legal where you live, keep:
A written log of incidents (dates, times, details)
Photos of injuries or damaged property
Threatening messages, emails, or voicemails
Store copies somewhere your partner cannot access (e.g., a trusted friend, a secure cloud account, or printed copies offsite). A domestic violence advocate can help you decide what’s safest to document.
2) Secure Your Finances
If possible:
Open a bank account in your name only
Set aside small amounts of cash
Consider a prepaid card for emergency use
Gather financial documents (pay stubs, tax returns, account numbers)
Financial abuse is common; even small steps can improve your options and reduce dependence.
3) Pack an Emergency Kit
Include items you may need quickly:
ID (driver’s license/passport), birth certificates, Social Security cards
Keys (house/car), spare phone charger
Medications, prescriptions, glasses/contacts
Cash, bank card, prepaid card
Important documents (insurance, lease/mortgage, custody paperwork)
Hide it in a place your partner won’t discover—or store it with someone you trust.
4) Plan Your Exit Route
Practical safety steps include:
Keeping your car fueled and pointed outward when possible
Keeping your phone charged
Memorizing key phone numbers in case your phone is taken
Identifying “safer rooms” at home (avoid kitchens/garages where weapons are more accessible)
Establishing a code word with friends/family to signal “call for help”
5) Know Your Safe Contacts and 24/7 Help
The National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you build a safety plan and locate resources:
Call: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
They also provide confidential support and safety planning tools.
After You Leave: Protecting Your Boundaries and Safety
Leaving the relationship does not always end contact. Some abusers attempt to regain control through guilt, manipulation, intimidation, or harassment—sometimes using children, family, or mutual friends.
Limit Communication to Essentials
When communication is necessary (e.g., parenting or logistics):
Keep messages brief, factual, and business-like
Prefer written channels (creates documentation)
Avoid explaining, arguing, or reacting emotionally
This reduces openings for manipulation and creates a record if harassment continues.
Control Meeting Environments
If you must meet in person (custody exchanges, property retrieval):
Choose public locations when possible
Bring a trusted person
Ask about supervised exchange options if you have safety concerns
Act Quickly If Harassment or Threats Continue
If you have a protection order:
Report violations promptly
Keep copies of the order accessible
Document each incident and save communications
Safety planning resources emphasize that risk can escalate after separation; taking violations seriously helps build protection and documentation.
Healing and Rebuilding After Abuse
Recovery can take time—months or years—and it is normal to have setbacks. Healing is still progress.
Seek Trauma-Informed Support
Many survivors benefit from:
Trauma-informed therapy
Support groups led by trained facilitators
Advocacy services for safety planning and court navigation
Rebuild Stability Through Routine
Simple structures can restore a sense of safety:
Regular meals
Sleep routines
Short daily movement (walks, stretching)
Small, repeatable habits you can maintain
Practice Self-Compassion
Abuse often leaves survivors with shame, self-blame, or confusion. Counter that with:
Journaling
Grounding exercises
Compassionate self-talk (“I did what I had to do to survive.”)
Recognizing incremental wins (one appointment, one document gathered, one safe night)
Stay Socially Connected
Isolation is a common outcome of abuse. Even small, consistent contact with safe people can:
reduce loneliness
strengthen resilience
help you rebuild your support system
Finding Strength in Survival
Walking away from abuse takes extraordinary courage. Over time, many survivors discover strengths they didn’t know they had—resilience, independence, sharper boundaries, and the ability to recognize red flags earlier.
You are not defined by what happened to you. You are defined by what you do next.
The Bottom Line
You deserve safety, dignity, and love that does not hurt. Leaving an abusive relationship can be one of the bravest decisions you will ever make—and you do not have to do it alone.
Divorce.com can help connect you with trusted legal help and practical next steps to build a safer, more independent future.
References
National Domestic Violence Hotline: domestic violence statistics
CDC press release (NISVS findings): “24 people per minute… more than 12 million per year”
U.S. DOJ Office on Violence Against Women: hotline numbers and survivor resources
WomensLaw.org: safety planning guidance
