Written By:
Divorce.com Staff
“Your divorce won't be the entire story of your life. You still get to write a happy ending.” – Unknown
If you’ve been through a divorce or are considering one, you already know that separation can begin long before it’s brought up.
Emotional distance can unfold over months or years. That’s what happened to me. My ex and I have always been good at being friends and logistical life partners because we share the same values and goals and respect each other, even now.
But for me, a deep emotional connection was lacking before either of us said a word about the need to separate.
The idea of choosing divorce when our children were so young and needed both of us so frequently and deeply made the idea a nonstarter. There was no way I was willing to give up daily connection with them. And so I stayed. The price I paid was a heavy one: I sacrificed myself.
But being there to be a part of my children’s day-to-day lives, to watch them grow and change, was non-negotiable. I couldn’t bear the thought of being a willful cause of trauma to them. Finding a way for these conflicting priorities to coexist felt impossible.
When I first heard about birdnesting and divorce, the concept was interesting. It seemed like the ideal way to promote family stability post-divorce, but I wasn’t clear on how to move forward with the idea.
Over time, I began to realize that the children were maturing, gaining in resiliency, and suddenly the birdnesting felt like it could work. I had always been a child-led parent, so this model felt tailor-made for my family. It addressed my worst fears about losing touch with my children.
The wild card was whether my then-husband would agree to it in the face of my asking for divorce.
What is Birdnesting?
Birdnesting is essentially child-focused co-parenting: the children continue to live in the family home after the parents have separated or divorced while the parents rotate in and out. This principle is gaining traction as an alternative way for families to weather the trials and pressures of separation and divorce when there are children involved.
What the Research Says
Unsurprisingly, research shows that children do better when parents can minimize conflict and cooperate on behalf of the kids.
Digging a little deeper, a small 2019 study on birdnesting showed that children tend to thrive when they continue living in the family home post-divorce, ensuring the preservation of stability, safety and ongoing contact with both parents.
The researchers found what you would expect – a need for alternative, child-friendly living arrangements. This study underscores the need to reexamine what constitutes optimal post-divorce environments for children, which is at the heart of why birdnesting is such an important concept to explore.
How Does Birdnesting Work?
Birdnesting. It sounds like a fun little game, but in reality, it’s a practical roadmap for building a new family structure that supports and nurtures everyone involved. The model can look different from family to family. Families can agree to a long-term arrangement or opt for short-term birdnesting.
There can be a main home and a second apartment that the adults share; there might be a main home and two separate apartments, one for each adult; or – as in my case – one multi-family home.
The children live in the main, upstairs unit, and their dad and I take turns – three or four days at a time, with our children and on our own – in the secondary, downstairs unit.
(PDF) Bird's nest parenting as a child-centered solution in the context of shared parenting
