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Written By:
Divorce.com Staff
Deciding whether to end a marriage is one of the most significant and emotionally complex choices a person can face.
In our recent Divorce.com webinar, How to Know It’s Time for Divorce, we spoke with Susan Trotter, Ph.D., a relationship coach and former clinical psychologist with more than 30 years of experience.
Together, we explored the warning signs of a struggling marriage, the emotions people often feel during this period, and the practical steps to take before and during divorce. Here’s what we learned.
Signs Your Marriage May Be in Trouble
Most marriages face challenges, but some warning signs point to deeper issues.
Dr. Trotter noted that persistent, unresolved problems — like constant conflict, infidelity, or long-standing communication breakdowns — often signal that the relationship is no longer meeting either partner’s needs.
Many couples in this stage describe themselves as living “separate lives,” more like roommates than partners.
She also referenced psychologist John Gottman’s research on the “Four Horsemen of Divorce”: criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
When these patterns dominate daily interactions, they create a cycle that becomes increasingly difficult to break.
Finally, couples may struggle when they realize they’ve developed misaligned values or life goals. If one partner wants children and the other doesn’t, or if their visions for the future no longer align, the gap can grow too wide to bridge, especially if neither is willing to compromise.
Navigating the Emotional Landscape
Ending a marriage is an emotional journey. Dr. Trotter explained that divorce often triggers a grief process.
People mourn not only the loss of their spouse but also the shared routines, dreams, and future they once imagined together.
At the same time, many feel paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. Questions like “Will I be okay financially?” or “How will my children cope?” can make it difficult to take the next step. Staying stuck in indecision, however, often prolongs stress and unhappiness.
Dr. Trotter emphasized the power of mindset shifts. While you can’t control your spouse’s choices or every outcome, you can control how you respond, the boundaries you set, and the support you seek.
Reclaiming this sense of agency can help you move forward with more clarity and strength.
Considering the Impact on Children
For parents, the decision to divorce is often clouded by concerns about children’s well-being.
Dr. Trotter reminded us that research consistently shows children do best with happy, emotionally healthy parents, even if those parents live separately. Staying in a toxic or high-conflict marriage may, in fact, be more harmful than divorce.
Parents should also reflect on the relationship model they’re showing their children. Kids learn about love, communication, and respect from watching their parents. If your marriage is defined by tension or distance, consider what message that sends.
One of the most important priorities is to shield children from conflict. Avoid putting them in the middle of disputes or using them as messengers. Instead, focus on co-parenting strategies that prioritize stability, cooperation, and reassurance.
Steps to Take Before and During Divorce
If you’re beginning to think divorce might be the right choice, preparation can help ease the transition. Dr. Trotter encouraged participants to start with education.
Learn about the legal process in your state, the financial implications of divorce, and the emotional realities of separation. Knowledge provides clarity and reduces fear.
Next, build your support team. Surround yourself with professionals, who can guide you through the process. Just as important, lean on friends and family who can provide encouragement and practical support.
Finally, take time to set long-term goals. Think beyond the immediate challenges of divorce to where you want to be in five or ten years. Having a vision for your post-divorce life makes it easier to make decisions that align with your future well-being.
Finding Peace Through the Process
As you move through the decision-making process, Dr. Trotter suggested reflecting on what she calls the “price of peace.” Not every disagreement is worth a battle.
Sometimes, letting go of minor disputes can bring greater emotional relief and allow you to focus on what truly matters — your health, your children, and your future.
Divorce is rarely easy, but with the right mindset, support, and resources, it can also be the beginning of a healthier, more fulfilling chapter.
Knowing It’s Time for Divorce FAQs
How do I know if it’s time to divorce?
It may be time to consider divorce if persistent issues have not improved despite efforts to work on them. Misaligned values, loss of intimacy, or feeling more like roommates than partners are also strong indicators.
Should I stay in my marriage for the kids?
Many studies suggest that children thrive with emotionally healthy, cooperative parents, even if they live separately. Divorce.com focuses on making that transition as stable and respectful as possible.
What is the first step if I think I want a divorce?
Start by gathering information about how divorce works in your state. Legal aid resources, court websites, or professional consultations can help you understand your options.
Can a marriage be saved if both partners are unhappy?
If both spouses are willing to seek counseling, make changes, and work on communication, it’s possible to repair a struggling marriage. However, if one or both partners are unwilling or unable to change, divorce may be the healthiest option for everyone involved.
How do I prepare emotionally for divorce?
Allow yourself to acknowledge the grief that comes with ending a relationship, and don’t hesitate to seek support from a therapist or coach. Shifting your mindset toward what you can control can help you move forward with confidence.
